Where it Began
I don’t now claim to be an expert on imposter syndrome or anything that deals with the psychology of the human brain. All I can say is that my awareness of the force that has held me back to a degree is very real, but it is also VERY subconscious.
Where did it begin with me?
It varies for people, or so I have learned. Imposter syndrome can originate and evolve from factors that are both genetic and conditional. Inside of each are a number of variables.
For me it starts and ends with the first 5 years of my life but evolved from there.
My parents divorced when I was 6 months old leaving me as a 6 month old without a father and a mom, god rest her sole, who was THE BEST I could ever ask for, but because of her own past, wasn’t always the best communicator. This was true particularly in those situations when I needed support vs insult.
Anyway, the bigger problem, as I have learned, is that when a little boy is developing there is a time at about the age of three when he turns away from his mother towards his father. When the father is not there, the little boy experiences two things.
One - no trust in the world.
Two - NO trust in himself. And it happens THAT early on.
Those first 5 years of my life were filled with stress, anxiety and a complete lack of a father figure as my father decided to take his rage towards my mother out on his two kids.
The dismissal while consciously managed impacts the subconscious in different ways for different people. Some are not impacted at all. Some are impacted in minor ways. Others, me, are impacted in the worst way possible.
That is, from early on, I have always had to deal with an enormous amount of self doubt that does not really show itself outside of a deep discovery and a lot of living.
It continued to evolve as I grew up only to find a father who really didn’t have any time for me. I will dive into specific moments in other posts but the dismissal continued all the way until I reach the age of 50. At that point, I was done with him but mainly as a way to preserve the rest of my life.
The struggle doesn’t go away, but the revelation of its existence and its origin makes it a lot easy to manage.
Going forward I will give specific examples of what I mean when I say “manage”. For now, I just wanted to get started talking about my early days and how this all started.
I truly hope others with the same struggle find these posts and maybe some relief in the idea that someone gets it.